So, I’m about a week into what you might call my first “real” semester of taking classes at Metro State. Last semester I took a single class—a deeply frustrating and irritating, but not at all challenging, Econ 101 type course that, apart from ruining several of my Saturday mornings (that’s when the class met), had a pretty minimal impact on my life/consciousness. I took the class because I’d never taken any kind of Econ class before and will need one under my belt to satisfy content area requirements for social studies teaching, and because I wasn’t quite ready to take on anything else just yet at the time. It required so little of me, though, that for most of the semester I scarcely even thought of myself as “in school.”
This semester I’m kind of starting work in earnest toward admittance into the Urban Teacher Program by taking two prerequisite “introductory” education courses. I put “introductory” in quotes because it has become immediately clear that these courses are not joke courses along the lines of last semester’s Econ course; they’re real, substantive, and are going to require serious effort of me and push me to do difficult things. I’ve felt an almost bewildering array of emotions over the past week as I’ve gotten my first taste of what the semester is going to be like: stress and anxiety about scheduling and finding time for everything, intimidation, worry, fear of inadequacy, and depression about the reduction in my free time have all been in the mix, but so have excitement about the classes, intellectual stimulation, and spurts of confidence and hope… (and stuck in the middle of it all, there was completely fun distraction when Carl, Cassie, Zane, and Bram came to visit us over the weekend and we went skiing!). But on the whole, I feel like I’m coping surprisingly well so far. Admittedly, I’ve only scratched the surface so far in terms of juggling obligations and having to make time for homework and all that (and having this Monday off from both work and school really helped)—and all the fears and anxieties are still very much lurking around the edges of my mind. But at the moment—and at several other moments over the past few days as well—I’m feeling confident and optimistic, energized and determined, and like I just might finally be in a good place and going in the right direction!
Weirdly enough, a major push toward feeling this way (and away from feeling overwhelmed and inadequate) came on Saturday night when Jen and I went to see the Les Miserables movie currently in theaters. Whereas before—especially as I began my reading for my classes about the problems of urban schools—I’d been feeling rather like I’d be way out of my league even trying to deal with them (just managing my own life sometimes feeling like more than I can handle, and all), I left the theater feeling inspired to push myself to grow into someone who tries more actively than I usually have in the past to translate my values into action and become engaged in working toward a better world. Chalk one up for the inspirational power of the potent combination of Victor Hugo and a bunch of amazing music! After the movie, I also had a great conversation with Jen about how it had left me feeling, and that conversation itself built more confidence. I guess in some ways the evening served to remind me of aspects of myself that I’m not always as in touch with as I’d like to be.
Even better, though, is the fact that three days later, and fresh from attending class and learning about a bunch of hard things that I’m going to have to do in the coming weeks, I’m still feeling engaged and cautiously optimistic about the whole endeavor. The past large number of years have been filled with too many failures and false starts as I’ve struggled to find a path to some sort of teaching career, and all the while I’ve been keenly aware of the passage of time and the fact that life is going by. Last semester, I had serious doubts about Metro State—and as recently as a week ago, I was at times feeling almost paralyzed with doubts about my ability to ever successfully tackle teaching. But like I said, right now I’m feeling like this may finally be the attempt that leads somewhere—like I’m finally where I need to be. I foresee lots of difficulties, but at present, I’m feeling ready to face them—more so than I have in a very long time!